I am an idiot, that is what I keep getting when I pray. I am an angry idiot at best. I don’t understand. I’m shocked.

We had a death in the family. I miss her. I’m mad and praying. Crying out to God. Why?

I’m frustrated my family has been through enough. I can relate to Job. I can see God’s hand in some of the process of  restoration. BUT right now it feels like God is kicking my family while they are down. I’m confused.

God gently reminds me, for lack of a better term. I’m an idiot!

He is a loving God even when it doesn’t feel loving. It is prideful to think I know better. Bitterness sets in when I want my future to be different from what he has dictated. I am grieving but I can choose to lean into God for comfort or curse him for the life I didn’t want.

Love is always a choice.

I am learning to lean. I have read Psalm 139 and meditated on those truths. I realize all that I don’t know. What a loving God to gently direct me back from pride and to guide me in the process of leaning into him with trust.

I don’t like that my family is hurting. I don’t like not seeing people on earth again. I hate it actually.

I do love God even in the pain.

Prayer for today:

Thank you Lord, for the gentle reminder of how sovereign you are. Your ways are not my ways for they are higher than anything I can understand. Please help me learn to trust in you and not myself. Please give peace and comfort to those that are grieving today. In Jesus name Amen.