Encouragement through the power of the Spirit

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The World We live in

The past two weeks I’ve seen the best and the worst in people. I keep going in my mind to people trying to be right instead of trying to seek understanding.

My family is mixed, blended, and loved by God.

I can’t breath could be my son or husband on the wrong day.

I’ve been praying for the right words. I don’t know if this will resonate or offend. My hope is for thought to turn into God centered actions.

I’ve read Ecclesiastes chapter 3.

There is a time for everything.

To be born and die

To plant and uproot

To kill and heal

To tear down and to build

To weep and to laugh

To mourn and to dance

To scatter stones and to gather them

To embrace and to refrain from embracing

Time to search and a time to give up

Time to keep and to throw away

A time to tear and a time to mend

To be silent and to speak

A time for love and a time for hate

A time for war and peace

God gives us seasons. We are in a season now.

God also seeks justice to both the righteous and the wicked.

Could we be wrong? Everyone of us has fallen short. No one recieves salvation by works alone, but we must run our race striving to show God’s love.

I believe my season is to speak, to love but hate the injustice shown, seek peace but be ready for war, to tear down and build back up, and to weep.

The United States has a dark history. Acknowledging a problem and seeking solutions doesn’t make someone unpatriotic.

If your inner circle looks just like you, please expand your circle. Love your neighbor, seek justice, and understanding.

Pray for the next step. Do good. When one works for God and is in alliance with God’s plan for living their work is fruitful.

What if every Christian quit trying to be right? Quit fighting each other?

What if we lived out our calling? Embraced the seasons God has put us in.

If God has called you to speak and you reamin silent that’s between you and God. If God has called you into a season, please pray for courage to enter into the season.

If all Christians acted on God’s calling it would be a start to healing. The nation’s upheaval is so much more than George Floyd. The nation’s scars are deep and need to be torn down, mended, weeped over, built back up to experience joy.

What I’ve learned from Marriage

Ken and I are approaching four years. We met on April 28, 2016. I was meeting Ken to mentor him through going through the first year as a widow. I wasn’t planning on it being a date per se.

After my husband died, I wanted my dating life to be different than when I wasn’t a Christian. I didn’t know much as a new Christian but I was trying to follow God.

God kept laying on my heart to marry Ken. God kept saying to me that Ken needed a wife to make it through grief. I wasn’t sure if that was even biblical. It was. Many examples are in the bible of God saying to someone this is your spouse.

Ken and I were married two weeks after meeting. I wasn’t in love romantically but I knew I would choose to love him while serving God. I’m so in love with him now.

Here’s what I know now that I didn’t know then. A Christian marriage is harder than I thought. I am selfish. If I don’t check my selfishness marriage is impossible.

God doesn’t promise easy.

I had never had to leave people behind to follow God’s plan. People were angry at our union. I got it. I was confused myself. I had to leave the life I had envisioned for God’s plan. I had envisioned traveling, seeing my kids, working, moving to the southeast by the beach, and having a husband with grown kids or none, and it being us. God interrupted my selfish plans for something much better. At first I couldn’t see it. All I saw was what I was grieving… the life I had planned was gone and loved ones, were extremely angry at the impulsiveness of our marriage.

Most of the people that mattered came around. I learned sometimes following God means your plans aren’t his plans and your people may be his people but they aren’t allowed on his journey for you. I thought about Lot a lot. He should have stayed back. God was weaning me from my old life for a new life.

I learned that I had to rely on my relationship with God over my relationship with people or even my spouse. God had to come first.

I thought marriage was until it was too hard, then divorce would be an option. God forgives was my logic. I was incredibly selfish. God softened my heart to the commitment of marriage. I had to give up my money, my career, my dreams, my everything and merge into one with my spouse. God’s design of oneness is so much more than myself. I had never had this mindset before.

I had to learn that sex isn’t a power struggle. God’s design is to serve one another in all areas of marriage. I had always thought of sex as a quid pro quo. I fluctuated between being sensual and shameful. I struggled with my identity as a sexual being placing that on the men I was with.

With this marriage all of the struggle and shame was gone. It wasn’t a source of power but a mutual intimate beautiful expression. God’s design of marriage is perfect.

Yesterday Ken and I were talking. This quarantine has made me pause some. Both Ken and I are broken in different ways. I love his brokenness. It has made him into a strong man. I still struggle with mine sometimes. Ken said, “I’m sorry the things that happened to you happened, but God knew they would happen before they happened. God also knew I would be your spouse. I’m incredibly grateful and humbled to be yours. I think God uses people to heal pain sometimes. I accept you for who you are unconditionally. I’m glad we have each other to step into each other’s pain.” 2 Corinthians 1:4

I’ve learned that marriage really comes down to putting God first, your spouse second, not letting other people, dreams, or money, come before God and your spouse and serving each other. I’m sure I have more to learn. I’m glad I followed God’s plan instead of my own. My life is so much fuller that what I ever planned.

The Good Samaritan

My family has been serving in foster care for the past two years. This type of ministry can be all consuming. I have not posted much. I’ve heard over and over again how we’re heroes. How they could never foster their hearts would break too much.
I find this statement ignorant at best offensive at worst. We are far from heroes. My family’s heart has been bruised but not broken only by the grace of God.
I was fearful going into this ministry. My family had been through so much. Why would a good God ask for my family to go through more. But then I reasoned, God had placed this on our hearts, we serve a restorative God, and God is near the broken hearted. I knew God would be with and for my family.
It has been a journey. We went into foster care with the hopes of helping and if possible expanding our family. We believed that if we were stratigic enough we could protect our hearts. If we asked the right questions, took in the highest risk kids, asked for older children, then we wouldn’t have to grieve the loss of a child leaving. We were selfish.
In the midst of fostering our mind set changed. We went from not wanting our hearts to break to wanting our hearts to hurt for the sake of others. We turned down adoptions and prayed for the right family for the child, we prayed for every bio parent of the children in our care, and we worked with bio parents to reunify. I began to see God in the midst of such brokenness . (Job 42: 5-6)
God’s love was shown. God love was evident in the adoption of our son, in the adoption of other children that we could have adopted but didn’t and having a small part in them being in their forever home, in bio parents being reunified. God’s goodness shines in the brokenness.
When my selfish ways would come. I was tired of caseworkers, advocates, bio parents, agency requests, or a child being a child that acts out. God would lay on my heart the story of the Samaritan. (Luke 10: 25-37)
I would ponder if the Samaritan had a family. If it was inconvenient to pay for medical and lodging. If the Samaritan’s family sacrificed time and energy to love their neighbor.
I would repent of my selfishness sometimes daily even sometimes by the hour. I try to love others well but I need God’s grace. I need grace to cover being tired and worn out to injustices.
My family is doing foster care for one more year and then we are done. God has another ministy for us. I am incredibly thankful that God entrusted us to serve in this way. It has been hard but beautiful. I would encourage anyone to fear not, God is with you, and take on the hard whatever that might be.

Wisdom In Grief

My husband and I recently became foster parents.  I thought our first placement was one and done, it didn’t happen that way. I was angry. I was angry at God for once again allowing my family to experience another loss. I was angry for the children placed in our care, having to move once again.  How could a good and loving God allow such pain? I was angry at myself for signing up for foster care, what was I thinking?

I had made plans that were Godly. Why didn’t God honor those plans? Why didn’t God protect my family from another loss? Why didn’t God do more for the kids placed with us? Why? That’s all I kept thinking, why and where is God in this mess?

And then… I told God how angry I was. Like God didn’t know but I wanted to let my God know how much this whole experience sucked. How much my heart was broken. How angry I was that there were so many kids that are in need, so many adults that could help, but because of this hurt most don’t, and why doesn’t God fix it? Why?

Why are children born to parents that aren’t able to raise them? Why are the children then put into a broken sometimes corrupt system? Why are foster parents hearts ripped and scared? Why do some people have to go to great measures to have children? Where is God in this? I was angry.

God answered.

Ecclesiastes 1:18, “For with much wisdom is much sorrow, as knowledge increases, grief increases.”

Maybe my heart was supposed to break. I didn’t like the answer God gave me but it made sense. My heart was broken with knowledge. I know there are over 3500 children in the county I live in needing help. I know that I can’t save them all. I hate how much need there is.

God stated in Genesis 3:17 that the earth is cursed.

So where is God?

I believe God is seen through love actions. I see God in sacrificial love.  In the few that know their heart is going to break and still have actions with faith, hope, perseverance, and sometimes underlying anger wanting to do more.

I believe God is in the comforting whisper of a foster parent coaxing a child to sleep after being removed from the only life they have ever known. I believe God is seen at a family dinner talking about highs and lows. I believe God is there in the glimpses of everyday life. God is good.

I know the good in my life far outweighs the bad. I know my heart hurt before foster care with an ache to do something. I now know what I am supposed to be doing with my life. Yes, wisdom produces knowledge that ignorance could ignore…. my heart hurts.

BUT I also know that God takes care of widows and orphans James1:27. I’m on God’s side.

God laid on my heart that our first placement would have been like Abram and Lot. Sometimes the best for both parties is God’s wisdom not our own. Sometimes the answer to our Godly plan is no. God is good. God’s knowledge far exceeds our capacity.

So where is God in the pain?  God is ever present and near. Psalm 34

Until Revelation comes,  I have to trust God’s sovereignty.  Job 38-41

Prayer for today:

Lord, I am sorry for not trusting you more.  I know this earth is cursed. We are your vessels fighting for good. I know you can handle my anger and questions, thank you for your mercy and grace. Until Revelation comes, please remind me of your love story,  the Bible,  from Genesis until the end your pursuit of us. All children are yours, not mine, please guide me in the direction you would have me go.

In Jesus name, Amen

 

 

Can thoughts and prayers be a cop out?​

I live in Florida. The shooting wasn’t far from my home.  After each shooting, I hear thoughts and prayers. I’m torn with this statement. I ask for prayers on a regular basis. I know my dependancy on God is great, without him I am nothing. I appreciate the intercessory prayers lifted up on my behalf. I feel honored and humble when I’m asked to pray for others.  I know prayer is important. I also know faith without works is dead.

The comments prayer needs to be back in school. Not a bad idea but if the prayer that was said before the Pledge of Allegiance is back it wasn’t much of a prayer. I remember standing as a child going through the routines. Hand on heart, head down, announcements, and then the day would begin, my teacher never once led me to Christ in school with a minute prayer over the speaker system. I think saying that prayer should be back in school and to remember this ritual as effective is short sided. Prayer is in school. Teachers and students pray. What if more Christians volunteered at school? Helped teachers and students, were an extra pair of eyes, or maybe walked the halls before school praying over the classrooms. I think this would be more effective than bringing back a ritual prayer broadcast over the public speaker.

Paul talks about faith, love, and hope in Colossians chapter one. He emphasizes we have a purpose in Christ, we were made by and for God. We are to teach, encourage, and spread the gospel. Prayer is seeking God’s face, being connected by relationship with Christ, wanting what God wants on earth as it is in Heaven, but doing something. Love is an action, not a statement. Even Adam before the fall had a job. In a perfect untainted world in the garden, Adam worked. God isn’t a genie who fixes things without the use of humans. If you are a prayer warrior, the work of Christ needs you but if you say thoughts and prayers with no follow-up, a nonexistent or fleeting prayer, and placing the blame on others without doing something it’s a problem. How would you like a friend that only called when they had a problem and wanted you to fix it? That’s called enabling. God isn’t an enabler. We are all saved by faith and not works. I’m not talking about salvation. I’m talking about a broken world and us as Christians being the light. We all have gifts 1Corinthians chapter 12. What are you using your gifts for?

If going to church and being a consumer is what most Christianity is about, I want nothing to do with that. I’m glad that isn’t true Christianity.  I want to go to church on Sunday and meet with other believers. I want to know I have a savior and know how much the world needs Jesus, not rituals or consumerism. I don’t want a religion. I want to be light. I want to show love. My heart breaks and I pray to God for change but it doesn’t stop there. A heart can be broken and not like the destruction of the world but hurting for someone without action is ineffective. The bible states widows, orphans, prisoners, the sick, and needy, are to be looked after. My plea is to pray and move in the direction you feel led by the holy spirit, to read the gospel and know the word letting it seep into your heart moving you forward into more and more fruit-bearing action, and to have faith that moves when it doesn’t make sense.  I’m praying for a revival in my area but I know I’m not alone and there is movement with the prayer. Anything is possible with God but praying for others to do what you can do might be a cop-out. I’m sorry for this not being the most encouraging post. My heart is heavy with the message of what we myself included are sending to nonbelievers. Thank you for listening.

 

Grace fills in the gap of Ignorance

I have struggled with judgment. I have never fit in the boxes people want me to be in.

When I wasn’t in the Christian world I wasn’t good enough for the Christians and a little too weird or not cool enough to fit into the secular world. Now that I am a Christian I don’t fit what Christians think a Christian should be.

I’m judged.

I am too harsh or too soft. I’m too bold or not bold enough. I can’t seem to please people and sometimes it hurts.

I have wrestled with God the past two nights. I feel like Jacob.

Here is the answer to the wrestle that I got. God laid it on my heart to share. I might be sharing this for my sake alone so take it for what it is…. obedience when called to action.

I have two personal stories of grace in the gap of ignorance.

The first is hard and I mean no disrespect nor will I identify the people. When my daughter died, she died on Mother’s day, and I was young, twenty -one and my daughter was two and a half.  She had been sick for about year with cancer, my mother had died two weeks before she was born. To say my heart hurt was an understatement.

I made the comment that my daughter had given me flowers for Mother’s day because in my mind the flowers are for the living the dead really don’t see them in the coffin, but this statement was met with a gasp of disapproval. How could one person make such a horrible comment? I have a dead daughter and I’m talking about her grave flowers as a gift.

Was the comment weird? Yes. But from my heart, it was my way of trying to make the best out of a terrible situation.

She was in pain from cancer eating away at her, she had told me how much she wanted to go home to Heaven. I was in shock that she went to her Heavenly home on Mother’s day.

My heart was angry at the loss of my dream for my child, devastated that I couldn’t protect her from cancer, not believing in a God who was cruel, what God lets a child go through that much suffering.

I was struggling to breathe willing myself to walk one step at a time.  I then had a judgment placed on what I said. I felt awful because I couldn’t at that time explain what I meant with all of the emotions going through my heart. I didn’t want to hurt people with words.  I had tried to say something nice.

I carried shame from story one.

Story two, My mother died when I was nineteen. My dad remarried in a short period of time. I was angry and let him and his new wife know that I wasn’t ready for the marriage. Fast forward my husband dies and I’m dating shortly after. My mother was sick for fifteen years, my husband was sick for three maybe four total. Something in the heart changes when a couple goes from spouse/ spouse to caretaker/receiver.

I carried self-righteousness in story two.

I was wrong in both.

When my spouse died it was different than my daughter dying. The acute loneliness, the anger, fear of the unknown, the responsibility of being strong for the family, long nights, fake smiles, and the gnawing pain of it all was a lot to take in alone.

I had my spouse offering support with my daughter.

I tell these two stories because God laid on my heart how ignorant I was when my mom died and I judged my father. I understand now after being through the experience. I understand no one widow handles the death the same and there is no right way as well. I have empathy for widows.

I wouldn’t want any person to go through the experiences of a death of a child or spouse.

Here is what I do know. I understand grace a little more today than yesterday. I have no ill will of the people that have judged me harshly.  I would want them to be ignorant.

I am then reminded of how ignorant I am of God. I am humbled. I keep trying to take back my life as it is my own.  My life is God’s, not mine.  God knows my heart and only he can judge. I need grace in my ignorance. I need to offer grace in other people’s ignorance. I can pray for conviction of my heart, apologize where needed, and move out of shame into grace. God has shown me mercy by showing me grace in action. I hope this helps someone else.

 

Peace

I recently went on my honeymoon, after a year of being married. We chose NewYork City. Neither one of us had been. The trip was restorative.

God is so good, even in the hard.

Let me back up and start from the beginning. God has laid on my heart someone needs to hear this, so I’ll share the raw. I was angry before my honeymoon trip. I had been married twice before, this is my third marriage, his second. Both of us are widowed. I’m divorced and then widowed.

I wasn’t a Christian until a year or two before my deceased husband became terminally ill with colon cancer. God laid on my heart that I would be married again. After my husband died, I held onto God’s promise of a Christian marriage.

I also held on to my expectations. I had never had a wedding. I expected a wedding in a church. I wanted to proclaim we were going to follow Christ. I have never been the second wife, so I expected to be my husband’s first marriage. I expected God to show up fulfilling my expectations. I knew,  how I wanted my life and new marriage to go. I wanted Job’s redemption on my terms, not his.

But Job didn’t choose his story, nor did he choose how and when God restored him.

I’m the second wife, with children being blended from both parties. I didn’t have a church wedding. I eloped the same way I did both times before. God didn’t follow my plan with my timeline.  God’s timing was faster and slower than what I wanted.

Here’s what I can say. God is good in the hard. Our children have seen two people love God and fight for a marriage.  The oldest is an atheist who is seeking because he has witnessed the hand of God at work. The middle has a step dad who will skype and do college homework until late hours in the evening. The youngest has struggled with all of the loss. She lost her mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother in a short time span. But through all of the struggle, she still has joy. God has reconciled some relationships through our marriage. His hand is working with grace and mercy.

We have also lost. We have lost friendships and family over our marriage. Expectations of others were not met.I have lost the innate ability to be selfish with my time. The selfishness is still there but I’m a work in progress. I love quiet. Quiet is elusive in our home.

BUT GOD….

He has softened my heart to his work. Slowly I have laid my expectations down.

When we were in New York, sightseeing was a must. Our tour guide explained that when the One World Observatory was done there wasn’t a grand opening it was quietly opened with out fanfare. People asked why? Why wasn’t it more joyous? I knew. At that moment God softened my heart.

The One World Observatory, the building was beautiful. Tribute was paid to the past, so much death and loss. Then the building exhibits point to the future.  Reverence is experienced.

Two people died for Ken and me to be married. They are a part of our story. A wedding would have been too disrespectful. We hurt people by following God’s calling. We also gave others hope by seeing the restoration.

The duality of seeing an amazing building with breath taking views, while knowing the sorrow was humbling. God spoke to me, you may not be the first wife, you may not have had a wedding, you might be working hard a year from now and still blending your family, but you my child are enough. I picked you to be his wife and her mother. I picked him to be your husband and a father figure to the boys. I chose this family

I don’t know why life is so hard sometimes. The evil in this world doesn’t make any sense. We can read Job’s story to glean some wisdom. Job had a choice to worship in the hard or become a victim. Victims choose embitterment mixed with pride. I have been an example of both. I have praised God knowing all things will work for good for those that love the Lord. I have also held onto pride for far too long while being a victim for life not going according to my plan.

Prayer for today:

God,  please let me rest in you. I want to lay my life before you. I am the clay and you are the maker. I am sorry for my selfish pride filled selfish ambitions. Please soften my heart for your ways. In Jesus name, Amen.

The words that come out…

I revisited James chapter three this morning. I hated that chapter as a kid. One I didn’t believe in God, two it was a punishment to write due to  the  lack of control over my words, and three I didn’t feel like it was being modeled very well to me.

I am such a hypocrite. The words that I have muttered hurt others sometimes intentional and at others times the words that I spoke meant to be helpful only caused harm.

I must have been told as a child to stop at verse 12 because the next section is on wisdom. I don’t remember writing this part of the chapter.

I like that James points out once again what an idiot I am. He talks about being gentle not having bitterness and selfish ambition. I believe these two sections  are tied together. How many times have I been prideful? Can’t even begin to count. I am a planner and through selfishness I can plan someone’s life to help them. Really? Verse 16 was a true moment of clarity. Every kind of evil comes from envy and selfish ambition.

I grew up watching and hearing people being angry at one person or another because of a real or perceived action. Sometimes it was because it was the infraction of not doing their life the way the person thought their life should go.

I have had to really fight against this in my own mind. It is an easy distraction from my flaws if I point out  another  person’s flaws. I can put someone under a microscope of negativity and feel really good about myself or feel pity on someone because their reality is far worse than the fantasy world I create for them. If they would just do my plan. I can talk to others about said person tearing down instead of building up.

I don’t want that for me or those around me. I have had to give this mindset over to God. I pray to God instead of talk to people about other people’s flaws.  I’ve handed that over to God. And the truth of the matter is, God only knows a person’s heart or their circumstances, and eventually the outcome.  I don’t need to talk about it with others. If it is something between me and that person, I need to approach that person with gentleness to resolve conflict not impose my will.  Prayer changes hearts, circumstances, and behavior. God is in control, not me.

I believe it is a duty to pray for others, to act when called, but most of all to love unselfishly. God has never once said to me, as a christian please judge those around you harshly. The Bible does point us to look at our own flaws and help others with gentleness, kindness, mercy, patience, love, grace, joy, and self-control.

I think if my heart is better, my words will be as well.

Abide

The four year old looked  at me this past week stating she wished she had her real mother  with her. Granted she was being disciplined, but those words stung cutting straight to my heart.  I know I’m not her biological mother. We talk about her heavenly mother often. And for  most of our time spent together it is pleasant and loving. When she doesn’t get her way then the fantasy mother comes out on what she would do if she were still here on earth. I reminded her daily of mother duties as  I was doing them. She finally relented stating that we use words to build people up and not tear them down. She apologized.  We moved on.

Sunday’s  sermon was abiding in Jesus. I’m really good on abiding if it is going my way, my plan. I am so independent that laying down my life daily to follow doesn’t come naturally. I like my fantasy life better. I’m sure God looks at me some days with the same look that I give my children. I’m wiser just do what I am telling you to do.

My life goes better when I’m abiding. Why is it so hard then? Are expectations my idol? Or control?

Ouch! Not comforting thoughts. I’m sure some days to God, I look as ridiculous as the four year old telling me how her life should go.  God is gracious enough to give me a reminder, I’m your father. Just do what I’m telling you to do.

I am going to meditate on John 15. While I might not like the pruning part,  who does really? I know his ways are so much better than mine.

I don’t really blame any of my children for stubbornness or being independent.

I want the best for them. How much more would a Heavenly Father want for me and others that are his?

I want to lay expectations down. I don’t need to control everything. I definitely don’t want to have my words and actions sting to my Heavenly  Father.

Prayer for today:

God thank you for your ever-loving kindness gently reminding me to abide. Please help me to lay down my plan and idols. I want your way more anything.

The Best Pathway

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I have meditated on Psalm 32:8 for the past few months. Noticed I said months, I’m stubborn.

David in Psalm 32 is confessing his sins. He rejoices in forgiveness. He then acknowledges that God will direct his path for life.

I have let bitterness and pride seep in. My plan was better. How arrogant of me. I do not understand God and his ways. Frankly to serve a God that I understand wouldn’t be much of a God.

That doesn’t mean there isn’t wrestling. I’m just tired of being, Jacob. (Genesis 32)

I want to take comfort that I serve an all knowing God who is good, when all I see from an earthly perspective is bad.

I don’t want to be the stubborn mule unwilling to follow, even if sometimes that means one foot, one step, one breath at a time.

God never promised easy. He did promise to love and cleave to us.

I am never alone.

Today I rejoice in the pathway before me. I am looking for what God would have me learn from it. I want God’s plan not mine, my perspective is so small.

I want to trust in him.

Amen

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