Ken and I are approaching four years. We met on April 28, 2016. I was meeting Ken to mentor him through going through the first year as a widow. I wasn’t planning on it being a date per se.

After my husband died, I wanted my dating life to be different than when I wasn’t a Christian. I didn’t know much as a new Christian but I was trying to follow God.

God kept laying on my heart to marry Ken. God kept saying to me that Ken needed a wife to make it through grief. I wasn’t sure if that was even biblical. It was. Many examples are in the bible of God saying to someone this is your spouse.

Ken and I were married two weeks after meeting. I wasn’t in love romantically but I knew I would choose to love him while serving God. I’m so in love with him now.

Here’s what I know now that I didn’t know then. A Christian marriage is harder than I thought. I am selfish. If I don’t check my selfishness marriage is impossible.

God doesn’t promise easy.

I had never had to leave people behind to follow God’s plan. People were angry at our union. I got it. I was confused myself. I had to leave the life I had envisioned for God’s plan. I had envisioned traveling, seeing my kids, working, moving to the southeast by the beach, and having a husband with grown kids or none, and it being us. God interrupted my selfish plans for something much better. At first I couldn’t see it. All I saw was what I was grieving… the life I had planned was gone and loved ones, were extremely angry at the impulsiveness of our marriage.

Most of the people that mattered came around. I learned sometimes following God means your plans aren’t his plans and your people may be his people but they aren’t allowed on his journey for you. I thought about Lot a lot. He should have stayed back. God was weaning me from my old life for a new life.

I learned that I had to rely on my relationship with God over my relationship with people or even my spouse. God had to come first.

I thought marriage was until it was too hard, then divorce would be an option. God forgives was my logic. I was incredibly selfish. God softened my heart to the commitment of marriage. I had to give up my money, my career, my dreams, my everything and merge into one with my spouse. God’s design of oneness is so much more than myself. I had never had this mindset before.

I had to learn that sex isn’t a power struggle. God’s design is to serve one another in all areas of marriage. I had always thought of sex as a quid pro quo. I fluctuated between being sensual and shameful. I struggled with my identity as a sexual being placing that on the men I was with.

With this marriage all of the struggle and shame was gone. It wasn’t a source of power but a mutual intimate beautiful expression. God’s design of marriage is perfect.

Yesterday Ken and I were talking. This quarantine has made me pause some. Both Ken and I are broken in different ways. I love his brokenness. It has made him into a strong man. I still struggle with mine sometimes. Ken said, “I’m sorry the things that happened to you happened, but God knew they would happen before they happened. God also knew I would be your spouse. I’m incredibly grateful and humbled to be yours. I think God uses people to heal pain sometimes. I accept you for who you are unconditionally. I’m glad we have each other to step into each other’s pain.” 2 Corinthians 1:4

I’ve learned that marriage really comes down to putting God first, your spouse second, not letting other people, dreams, or money, come before God and your spouse and serving each other. I’m sure I have more to learn. I’m glad I followed God’s plan instead of my own. My life is so much fuller that what I ever planned.