My husband and I recently became foster parents.  I thought our first placement was one and done, it didn’t happen that way. I was angry. I was angry at God for once again allowing my family to experience another loss. I was angry for the children placed in our care, having to move once again.  How could a good and loving God allow such pain? I was angry at myself for signing up for foster care, what was I thinking?

I had made plans that were Godly. Why didn’t God honor those plans? Why didn’t God protect my family from another loss? Why didn’t God do more for the kids placed with us? Why? That’s all I kept thinking, why and where is God in this mess?

And then… I told God how angry I was. Like God didn’t know but I wanted to let my God know how much this whole experience sucked. How much my heart was broken. How angry I was that there were so many kids that are in need, so many adults that could help, but because of this hurt most don’t, and why doesn’t God fix it? Why?

Why are children born to parents that aren’t able to raise them? Why are the children then put into a broken sometimes corrupt system? Why are foster parents hearts ripped and scared? Why do some people have to go to great measures to have children? Where is God in this? I was angry.

God answered.

Ecclesiastes 1:18, “For with much wisdom is much sorrow, as knowledge increases, grief increases.”

Maybe my heart was supposed to break. I didn’t like the answer God gave me but it made sense. My heart was broken with knowledge. I know there are over 3500 children in the county I live in needing help. I know that I can’t save them all. I hate how much need there is.

God stated in Genesis 3:17 that the earth is cursed.

So where is God?

I believe God is seen through love actions. I see God in sacrificial love.  In the few that know their heart is going to break and still have actions with faith, hope, perseverance, and sometimes underlying anger wanting to do more.

I believe God is in the comforting whisper of a foster parent coaxing a child to sleep after being removed from the only life they have ever known. I believe God is seen at a family dinner talking about highs and lows. I believe God is there in the glimpses of everyday life. God is good.

I know the good in my life far outweighs the bad. I know my heart hurt before foster care with an ache to do something. I now know what I am supposed to be doing with my life. Yes, wisdom produces knowledge that ignorance could ignore…. my heart hurts.

BUT I also know that God takes care of widows and orphans James1:27. I’m on God’s side.

God laid on my heart that our first placement would have been like Abram and Lot. Sometimes the best for both parties is God’s wisdom not our own. Sometimes the answer to our Godly plan is no. God is good. God’s knowledge far exceeds our capacity.

So where is God in the pain?  God is ever present and near. Psalm 34

Until Revelation comes,  I have to trust God’s sovereignty.  Job 38-41

Prayer for today:

Lord, I am sorry for not trusting you more.  I know this earth is cursed. We are your vessels fighting for good. I know you can handle my anger and questions, thank you for your mercy and grace. Until Revelation comes, please remind me of your love story,  the Bible,  from Genesis until the end your pursuit of us. All children are yours, not mine, please guide me in the direction you would have me go.

In Jesus name, Amen