Pornography, I have seen it, even actively watched it. Hoping to learn something new. I never really saw the harm in it. The problem came when I became a Christian. I couldn’t view the nameless people as just actors making money. They were and are God’s creation. When I stopped separating people, playing God judging who was  good and who was bad. I  looked at all people as God’s creation. My views changed. How could I watch and not be affected?

Proverbs Chapter 7 paints a vivid picture of seduction. What use to shock us now is normal. I am not even shocked by the portrayal of sex or our bodies in society. Morality is being slaughtered. We are being led by the world standards ensnarled in a trap.

 Proverbs 7:22 “ He follows her impulsively like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer bounding toward a trap.”

I know porn brought out so many insecurities in me. I wasn’t a Christian and didn’t know whom I belonged to.  I learned new moves to try through porn, but the newness faded fast. I always needed to learn and stay ahead to be enough. I was never enough. I chased the worldviews instead of being grounded in God’s love.

1 John 2:15 

“Do not love the world or the things in the world, the love of the Father is not in him.”

How could I or can I stay in the world and say I love God?

I even  justified that  I never spent money on pornography, so I wasn’t really helping the industry. I was  helping build a platform for the industry. If you are reading this blog, you are helping me build a platform to eventually market.

When we follow what the world says is right we often miss the mark. God never intended for sex to be dirty, violent, and degrading.

Our emotions and sometimes fulfillment are so deceiving.

Jeremiah 17:9

“ The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”

What to do when are emotions and the world say one thing and the bible says another?

This is what I love about God; he is a healer when invited. I am not done by any means being a hot wonderful mess that God created, but I am less of a mess each day. God gives us a wonderful teacher in the Holy Spirit that gently corrects and moves us forward.  God never shames, he always loves bringing us closer to him through teaching and conviction. I just love God and his grace. We also allowed asking through prayer to go boldly to the throne for our needs.

I need healing.

I need a sound mind.

I need wisdom.

I need to know when my heart is deceitful.

Prayer for today:

Please God give me wisdom, clear my mind, and allow me to see others as you see them. I want to love like you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Ezekiel 20:8 “” But they rebelled against me and would not listen to me; they did not get the vile images they had set their eyes on nor did they forsake the idols of Egypt.”

Truth be told I have been busy this week, this blog is being written moments before I post. My thoughts have been set on the task at hand most days. My week usually goes better when my focus is on God and I meditate on scripture.

Philippians 4:8 “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable–if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise–dwell on these things.”

  I focus on many idols. My idol list past and present:, being busy,  job, kids, husband, food, sex, being liked, and money.

I have focused on the world around me. What is my husband going to do today or what did he not do? My kids let the thoughts begin as a mother! Food and sex very comforting. Popularity, I have let the world dictate who I am and compromised my values. Money and thoughts of money especially in times of need has been my primary focus.

When my focus is off the cross.  I keep myself running toward goals but become weary. I use the idol of being busy and keep myself distracted. I focus on my strength instead of  meditating on him. Christ he enables me to run with perseverance. 

God is a jealous God. He loves us and meets our needs. He also knows our heart and what our focus is on.  I have meditated on being angry, worried, distracted, and prideful. I have made many worldly distractions my focus and therefore my idols.

Prayer for today: Please Lord let me run to you for comfort, let me rest in you alone. I want to focus on  your word, meditating on your truth, not relying on my idols and myself. In Jesus name, Amen.

Sex  is oh so good. I miss it to be honest, but I have had to do some soul-searching on why I miss sex. I  have always used sex as a way to get a man not  for a way to connect to a husband. God intended for the intimacy to be the glue that connects a couple. I always felt like if the mechanics of sex were there the intimacy was there also. How sad is it that I have never had the intimacy that God desires? I have never felt good enough to not give my body away. I have always used sex to keep a man. Sex is great but even great sex becomes boring after a while.

Boring sex and a shallow relationship are hard, and then the thought comes I have the wrong man.

Maybe the next man will be better.

What if the bible is right?

What if sex is supposed to just be for marriage?

For someone who has been married and now single, those questions remain.

“1 Corinthians 6 : 12-20 12 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13 You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”

Ouch, not the answer I was hoping for.

God designed us to be a helper. (Genesis 2:18)

We are not meant to go through life alone, God gives us a suitable helpmate.

If I trust God for a gift of a husband, why would I force my will and not allow time for his will to be done?

Sometimes, I don’t think I am enough without the use of sex.  I rush. I know sex makes a couple become one, brings strong emotions, and forms a bond. Sex is a gift from God, but done in the wrong context it is a relationship that is shallow. I want the deep connection of a Godly relationship designed to love, cherish, protect, help each other and know that we allowed God’s timing and not our own.

The next verse really convicted me.

Proverbs:1-23

1 My son, pay attention to my wisdom, listen well to my words of insight,

2 that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge.

3 For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than

oil; 4 but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword.

5 Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave.  6

She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she

knows it not. 7 Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from

what I say. 8 Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her

house, 9 lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one

who is cruel, 10 lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich

another man’s house. 11 At the end of your life you will groan, when your

flesh and body are spent. 12 You will say, “How I hated discipline!

How my heart spurned correction! 13 I would not obey my teachers or listen

to my instructors. 14 I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst

of the whole assembly.” 15 Drink water from your own cistern, running

water from your own well. 16 Should your springs overflow in the streets,

your streams of water in the public squares? 17 Let them be yours alone,

never to be shared with strangers. 18 May your fountain be blessed, and

may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19 A loving doe, a graceful deer–

may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

20 Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of

another man’s wife? 21 For a man’s ways are in full view of the LORD, and

he examines all his paths. 22 The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him;

the cords of his sin hold him fast. 23 He will die for lack of discipline,

led astray by his own great folly.

I want my sex life to be beautiful and private. I don’t want to lead any man into a sexual relationship outside of God’s will. My thoughts were wrong. If I trust that I am enough in Christ and All gifts are from God. Won’t  my mind, personality, skill set, be enough. I don’t have to use my body. I have the gift of sex within marriage to express my love, not to get a man. Big Difference.

If you need a fresh start, remember God forgives.

1 John 1:9

 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

My prayer for today: God please keep me from myself, guide me in a Godly relationship with you in the center. I know I will never have a temptation without a way to escape. You are with me and for me. Thank you for opening my eyes to your ways and not my own.

I

Philippians 1: 6

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

I use to love this verse as a way to give encouragement to others. God’s got this type of thing.

I still believe God is in control, but sometimes life is uncomfortable.

Sometimes the work God is doing isn’t pleasant but necessary.

If we remain stagnant as Christians are we really loving God?

In my relationships, I want to see growth or I view them as shallow.

I want a good work from God to continue in me. I want that. I just sometimes don’t want to be uncomfortable. I don’t want to give up my life of knowing what is next. I am definitely not comfortable stepping out in faith most days.

I am getting better with trust, but I must confess I am stubborn. God usually gives me a pebble, then a rock, most of the time the rock becomes a boulder and then and only then I am ready to listen.

And the truth is the work is good! Why do I wait on a regular basis for a boulder, when a pebble is easier to accomplish a great work?

I must confess PRIDE!

I want My way not His.

How arrogant of me to think my way is better than God’s will.

Obadiah 1:3

“The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks and make your home on the heights, you who say to yourself, ‘Who can bring me down to the ground?’”

I would rather walk with a pebble of humility than deal with a boulder of pride.

I may not always like the work being done. I love God. I want his will and not mine. I want to grow until I meet him face to face.

Prayer for today:

I am such a strong-willed type of gal, God. Thank you for loving me anyway. Please let me take the pebble. I don’t want a rock or boulder to grab my attention to do your will. I know all things work together for my good. Your way is so much more than mine could ever be. Thank you for growing, working, and loving me into relationship with you. In Jesus name amen.

I hated the church for many years.

The judgmental stares with a  holier than thou  attitude that some displayed. I never felt good enough to be in attendance. Even today I find some of the church repulsive at best.

 I understand that the church is made up of imperfect humans and only one perfect human walked this earth. I get it.

But, I wonder sometimes do we ever as a whole stop and pause what we look like to the outside world?

Last week I witnessed a server almost in tears because a track was left and rent is due. I understand where a track might let someone know the path to salvation but leaving a track instead of a tip or with a poor tip is counterproductive.The church to an outsider is sometimes lacking. How much is a person saving from leaving a bad tip, is it worth someone’s eternity? If we can’t as a whole get along in a church, why would others want to join into chaos? If we treat our enemies with revenge instead of love, how are we different?

For years I felt judged, condemned by the ones who were suppose to love me and show Christ’s love.

Instead I felt shame and equated that to God.

We tend to judge non believers who don’t have the Holy Spirit living in them. Christians have a counselor inside of them Non-Christians don’t. Big difference.

Mathew 5:43-48, covers loving our enemies.

43 ““You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing out of the ordinary? Don’t even the Gentiles do the same? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.””

Jesus spoke truth in love.

Jesus might not have approved of someone’s actions or sins, but he Loved the person.

The woman at the well didn’t run away in shame. She ran to tell others of Christ’s love.

I have sometimes needed truth spoke in love at other times I have needed just a listening ear with compassionate empathy. If we are called to be lights in darkness. We need to pray myself included before speaking and judging.

I need to pause.

I don’t want to hamper someone from progressing in his or her growth, becoming a Christian, or not having unity in the Church.

Prayer for today:

Please Lord grant me wisdom to know when to speak truth, when to listen, when to show up and just be there for someone. I want to be a light and not a hindrance for your kingdom. In Jesus name, amen.

Prayer request:

This is the opening paragraph to the book God has laid on my heart.

“Jesus loves the little children, this I know, for the bible tells me so.”

I don’t know if Jesus loves all the children, or he just loves the children who are bright. Their light shines through. Their eyes are not a jaded. Grey has not touched them.  How could Jesus love me? My momma says I am dirty and my colors that shine are grey. No Jesus must love the children who are clean and happy with their bright shining colors.  Jesus can’t be for me.

I don’t want to write this book.  In July, I was partially obedient to God.  I knew God had placed this book on my heart and I pitched a completely different book at my  publishers meeting. Shame through sexual abuse is long-lasting. God’s grace has saved me from myself. Please pray that I will continue in illogical obedience to what has been laid on my heart, even when I don’t want to write on such a topic.

Thanking for the prayers,

Rebekah