I recently went on my honeymoon, after a year of being married. We chose NewYork City. Neither one of us had been. The trip was restorative.
God is so good, even in the hard.
Let me back up and start from the beginning. God has laid on my heart someone needs to hear this, so I’ll share the raw. I was angry before my honeymoon trip. I had been married twice before, this is my third marriage, his second. Both of us are widowed. I’m divorced and then widowed.
I wasn’t a Christian until a year or two before my deceased husband became terminally ill with colon cancer. God laid on my heart that I would be married again. After my husband died, I held onto God’s promise of a Christian marriage.
I also held on to my expectations. I had never had a wedding. I expected a wedding in a church. I wanted to proclaim we were going to follow Christ. I have never been the second wife, so I expected to be my husband’s first marriage. I expected God to show up fulfilling my expectations. I knew, how I wanted my life and new marriage to go. I wanted Job’s redemption on my terms, not his.
But Job didn’t choose his story, nor did he choose how and when God restored him.
I’m the second wife, with children being blended from both parties. I didn’t have a church wedding. I eloped the same way I did both times before. God didn’t follow my plan with my timeline. God’s timing was faster and slower than what I wanted.
Here’s what I can say. God is good in the hard. Our children have seen two people love God and fight for a marriage. The oldest is an atheist who is seeking because he has witnessed the hand of God at work. The middle has a step dad who will skype and do college homework until late hours in the evening. The youngest has struggled with all of the loss. She lost her mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother in a short time span. But through all of the struggle, she still has joy. God has reconciled some relationships through our marriage. His hand is working with grace and mercy.
We have also lost. We have lost friendships and family over our marriage. Expectations of others were not met.I have lost the innate ability to be selfish with my time. The selfishness is still there but I’m a work in progress. I love quiet. Quiet is elusive in our home.
He has softened my heart to his work. Slowly I have laid my expectations down.
When we were in New York, sightseeing was a must. Our tour guide explained that when the One World Observatory was done there wasn’t a grand opening it was quietly opened with out fanfare. People asked why? Why wasn’t it more joyous? I knew. At that moment God softened my heart.
The One World Observatory, the building was beautiful. Tribute was paid to the past, so much death and loss. Then the building exhibits point to the future. Reverence is experienced.
Two people died for Ken and me to be married. They are a part of our story. A wedding would have been too disrespectful. We hurt people by following God’s calling. We also gave others hope by seeing the restoration.
The duality of seeing an amazing building with breath taking views, while knowing the sorrow was humbling. God spoke to me, you may not be the first wife, you may not have had a wedding, you might be working hard a year from now and still blending your family, but you my child are enough. I picked you to be his wife and her mother. I picked him to be your husband and a father figure to the boys. I chose this family
I don’t know why life is so hard sometimes. The evil in this world doesn’t make any sense. We can read Job’s story to glean some wisdom. Job had a choice to worship in the hard or become a victim. Victims choose embitterment mixed with pride. I have been an example of both. I have praised God knowing all things will work for good for those that love the Lord. I have also held onto pride for far too long while being a victim for life not going according to my plan.
Prayer for today:
God, please let me rest in you. I want to lay my life before you. I am the clay and you are the maker. I am sorry for my selfish pride filled selfish ambitions. Please soften my heart for your ways. In Jesus name, Amen.