If you are like me, self-esteem doesn’t come easy. I try my best in life but often feel like I fall short. God really convicted me today.

I’m the apple of his eye. He knows me and loves me. I am worthy.

I promised God through a weak prayer to try.

I want to try to  accept these truths for me.

I can see the value in others easily.

After I accepted Christ as my savior, I saw all people as souls either lost or saved.

I’m saved.

I’m his.

I was and am  pursued.

I am a daughter of the king.

And I look at myself as less than.

I replay words that have been said.

You are not enough.

You are unlovable.

You should be a better .

You are dirty.

Dear friend if this is you as well.

Stop it!

Fix your eyes on the King, know your place. You have value. You are his. God loves you.

I want God’s love to permeate every  insecurity that I have. I want to be more in Christ to love others the way Christ loves me.

Today I choose grace. I choose to be humble before God. I choose to lay down the worthless negative words that have been spoken over me. I refuse to wear those labels any longer. I choose to live life abundantly. I hope you will as well.

Have you ever wondered? Why God has you or had you in the place you were at? Why my life? What is the purpose to all of this?

I have. I know God is sovereign, I know that, but sometimes I just don’t feel that way.  I look at others and think they  have no clue what I have been through. I then have to remind myself I don’t know what their life has been either.

I do know I am to comfort others as God has comforted me. 2 Corinthians 1

I rely on scripture for wisdom not emotions.

I found comfort today from  1 Timothy 4:11-16

The scripture says to love, live in purity, have faith, be an example  in speech, teaching,  publicly reading  the Bible, here is the best part….. practice these things  so others can see  progress.

Get it!

PROGRESS!!

We don’t have to be perfect. This scripture is addressed to ministers, but I love the idea of having grace and practicing.  We should look different in our walk with God as we mature not be perfect.

I don’t have to worry about were God has me or why. I don’t have to rely on my emotions. I can rely on placing scriptures into my heart, putting my faith in Him, and being the best example I know how to be. Pretty simple stuff, Love me some Jesus.

I gave my testimony last night to a small group. I had told my friend what I was doing. Her advice was to talk about my year of  dating. I dated after my spouse died and was a mess. Still am, far from perfect. Thank goodness people crucified the only perfect person who walked on earth.

I did seek God during this time. I would pray and still pray for each person I dated. I would pray before each date for wisdom and discernment. I truly felt led by God on each person until I didn’t get my way. The process in my mind was taking too long. I went out on my own and got burned.

I then went back to God and humbled myself. The ironic thing was I was being impatient,  then  God rushed the process were I wasn’t comfortable with the speed. God’s timing is never my own.

Every experience that I had led me to my husband now. The men God had placed in my life spoke truth over me, things I needed to hear. The one man I dated and was burned by was a minister. The world would have looked to some of the men that I dated and the actions with judgement. I didn’t feel convicted because God was with me. The one that the world would have thought highly of was wrong for me and I was going against God.

Ministers are great and speak truth, but if one isn’t speaking truth use caution. I don’t want to turn people away from the church or a minister. I just want to say the church is made up of imperfect people. It is  everyone’s responsibility to have a personal relationship with Christ. I am truly sorry if the church has hurt you. Please do not walk away because of an experience, there are some very good loving people in the church.

I had loving people who prayed over me, the relationships, and the men I was dating. They listened to endless rants and cries. I was frustrated.

When I laid my life down finally and gave it over to God. He could use me. I was done being  in the way obstructing his plan.

I have not blogged much this year. God had a different mission for me. I will blog when God lays on my heart to do so.

I hope this gives you hope. God has a plan for you. God has a spouse for you if it is in his plan for you to have one. I wish if I could go back I would have been able to see the plan unfolding before me. I now have more trust in God’s ways not mine. He is an awesome, good,  great father who I can rest in.

Prayer for today:

Thank you God for never wasting. I am so thankful for a God that uses everything for our good for those that love you. I don’t deserve your grace or mercy. You are truly amazing. I am humbled to be yours. In Jesus name, Amen

My word for 2016 was peace. I wanted desperately for God to show me how to have the solid peace that is promised in the bible.  I prayed for God to take away the day to day highs and lows, the volatility of my emotions.

God had to break down my  idols. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to follow God, but  wanted people’s  approval of me  more than God.

I wanted a husband. I thought a husband would fix my worry about the future. I wouldn’t be alone. I was scared to face a future of uncertainty.

I was broken. Searching for what I thought would bring me peace.

God has a way of teaching me the hard way. Stubbornness has brought me resilience.  Stubbornness has also given me more hard  lessons than I care to admit.

I was more concerned about being liked, than what God was asking me to do. God’s timing and his ways usually don’t align with human logic or acceptance. I thought that when God called me into a ministry, his ways would be obvious. I was wrong.

When you feel like people are watching for God in you, and you don’t even have a clue, it’s hard. Hard to lead from the pit.

The pit of rawness drew me closer to God. I was in the pit of desperation. I was worn, trying to fix my problems, worn out from  dating, tired of loosing people,  fighting to get through just one more day,  wanting more and not knowing how to get it, listening to others while I was dying inside, tired of smiling, tired of crying, TIRED.

Far from peace. Peace seemed so elusive.

But God. God let me come to the end of myself. I laid down my life. I fasted and prayed. I didn’t care if I ever got a husband, didn’t care if people liked my choices, didn’t care unless it was God’s way.

God showed up. He took away my idols. He brought me  peace. I wanted a relationship with him more than anything. I didn’t  care what it looked like on the outside.

I was finally given peace.

By the way God did bring a husband into my life. I am extremely thankful for him and my marriage. I do not look to my husband for peace, only God can give me that.  No-one can fill a void that God was designed to fill. God dictates my future.

I am so thankful to God for the gift of peace. I wouldn’t want to go through this year again. The pit was hard.

I encourage you to look inward at what idols you may have. Lay your idols at the cross. Peace is worth the journey.

Further reading: Philippians 4

I am an idiot, that is what I keep getting when I pray. I am an angry idiot at best. I don’t understand. I’m shocked.

We had a death in the family. I miss her. I’m mad and praying. Crying out to God. Why?

I’m frustrated my family has been through enough. I can relate to Job. I can see God’s hand in some of the process of  restoration. BUT right now it feels like God is kicking my family while they are down. I’m confused.

God gently reminds me, for lack of a better term. I’m an idiot!

He is a loving God even when it doesn’t feel loving. It is prideful to think I know better. Bitterness sets in when I want my future to be different from what he has dictated. I am grieving but I can choose to lean into God for comfort or curse him for the life I didn’t want.

Love is always a choice.

I am learning to lean. I have read Psalm 139 and meditated on those truths. I realize all that I don’t know. What a loving God to gently direct me back from pride and to guide me in the process of leaning into him with trust.

I don’t like that my family is hurting. I don’t like not seeing people on earth again. I hate it actually.

I do love God even in the pain.

Prayer for today:

Thank you Lord, for the gentle reminder of how sovereign you are. Your ways are not my ways for they are higher than anything I can understand. Please help me learn to trust in you and not myself. Please give peace and comfort to those that are grieving today. In Jesus name Amen.

The sermon was over John and what Jesus was asking his disciple to accomplish. Which made me pause what is my mission, what is my family’s mission? What are we trying to accomplish? Which lead to a great lunch conversation. Many businesses have mission statements. If the statements of a company are actually lived out in their company any employee can repeat them because they are embedded into the work environment.

What is my family’s mission?

I am visual so I had to write it out.

Our Family will pursue God’s will for our life by making a conscience effort to listen to His calling, running our race with service and illogical obedience following through with faith but most of all striving to live out love, all the while giving thanks to Christ for without him our life is nothing.

I need a daily reminder. I hope and pray each day I can grow into my goal and live for Christ.