1 Samuel 2: 1-2
Hannah prayed.
My heart rejoices in the Lord,
My horn is lifted up by the Lord.
My mouth boasts over my enemies,
Because I rejoice in Your salvation.
There is no one besides You!
And there is no rock like our God.
This prayer came from a woman that just gave her child to a priest to raise. Samuel, the child she had prayed to be able to conceive with the promise to give her child to God. Hannah had been tormented, made fun of, ridiculed, and mocked because she was barren.
I don’t know how many times I have been angry because of my child’s death. How could a loving God let cancer strike my baby? She died before her third birthday. She was my only daughter and I miss her. I missed her first day of kindergarten, princess outfits, being sassy as a teenager, and now maybe college trips. I miss being a mom to a daughter. I hated God for years for taking that joy away. I look at Hannah who couldn’t have children for many years and gave her first child away to God. What strength, courage, faith, she must have had or maybe she prayed for those traits as well. I know I would need prayer for strength to follow through on my promise, courage to stand firm, and faith to know God will make it right. I want that kind of faith. I wasn’t a Christian when my daughter was sick or even when she died. In fact I didn’t become a Christian until many years after her death. I had to make peace with God and let the anger go. This is what helped me; children are gifts from God, (Psalm 127:3).
My main comfort came from:
Psalm 139.16-17
Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began. God how difficult Your thoughts for me to comprehend how vast their sum is.
God knows us intimately and loves us. He knows all of our days before we began. I am not God and do not comprehend all of his ways. I miss my daughter. I don’t understand the loss. I do understand she was a gift from God. I have a great deal of sympathy for parents, whose children’s lives didn’t quite turn out the way they dreamt of. Maybe their child has strayed, or is no longer here on earth; maybe a child has answered a call to serve across the world and their heart longs to see them. Giving up control and releasing our children is never an easy task. My hope and prayer would be for comfort. I have peace knowing God gave Hannah strength, courage, and faith. God can enable us to keep living in strength and to have faith that his ways, are still his ways. I am going to lay down the struggle to comprehend and release what isn’t mine to grasp. Praying for you to have some peace today even when the answers are not easy to understand.
Thank you for your vulnerability in writing about your loss and struggle. Over nineteen years ago, my only son was stillborn. Though I was a “strong” Christian at the time, I struggled to see God’s perfect plan in my loss. That was when I had to rely on God to get me through the valley of the shadow of death.
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry that you belong to a club no mother ever wants to be in. I agree God is a great healer even when we don’t understand.
Rebekah, thank you for sharing your heart. You have given us a beautiful gift of triumph and vulnerability. I praise God for you. I have not suffered such loss but your sharing gives me some hope that maybe if that comes, I could walk that journey like you have walked your journey. That photo of your daughter is just precious. It sure doesn’t make sense to us to lose a little girl so precious. Giving you a hug.
Thank you for the kind words. I have struggled with sharing such personal information. I needed the validation, much appreciated.