I have struggled with judgment. I have never fit in the boxes people want me to be in.

When I wasn’t in the Christian world I wasn’t good enough for the Christians and a little too weird or not cool enough to fit into the secular world. Now that I am a Christian I don’t fit what Christians think a Christian should be.

I’m judged.

I am too harsh or too soft. I’m too bold or not bold enough. I can’t seem to please people and sometimes it hurts.

I have wrestled with God the past two nights. I feel like Jacob.

Here is the answer to the wrestle that I got. God laid it on my heart to share. I might be sharing this for my sake alone so take it for what it is…. obedience when called to action.

I have two personal stories of grace in the gap of ignorance.

The first is hard and I mean no disrespect nor will I identify the people. When my daughter died, she died on Mother’s day, and I was young, twenty -one and my daughter was two and a half.  She had been sick for about year with cancer, my mother had died two weeks before she was born. To say my heart hurt was an understatement.

I made the comment that my daughter had given me flowers for Mother’s day because in my mind the flowers are for the living the dead really don’t see them in the coffin, but this statement was met with a gasp of disapproval. How could one person make such a horrible comment? I have a dead daughter and I’m talking about her grave flowers as a gift.

Was the comment weird? Yes. But from my heart, it was my way of trying to make the best out of a terrible situation.

She was in pain from cancer eating away at her, she had told me how much she wanted to go home to Heaven. I was in shock that she went to her Heavenly home on Mother’s day.

My heart was angry at the loss of my dream for my child, devastated that I couldn’t protect her from cancer, not believing in a God who was cruel, what God lets a child go through that much suffering.

I was struggling to breathe willing myself to walk one step at a time.  I then had a judgment placed on what I said. I felt awful because I couldn’t at that time explain what I meant with all of the emotions going through my heart. I didn’t want to hurt people with words.  I had tried to say something nice.

I carried shame from story one.

Story two, My mother died when I was nineteen. My dad remarried in a short period of time. I was angry and let him and his new wife know that I wasn’t ready for the marriage. Fast forward my husband dies and I’m dating shortly after. My mother was sick for fifteen years, my husband was sick for three maybe four total. Something in the heart changes when a couple goes from spouse/ spouse to caretaker/receiver.

I carried self-righteousness in story two.

I was wrong in both.

When my spouse died it was different than my daughter dying. The acute loneliness, the anger, fear of the unknown, the responsibility of being strong for the family, long nights, fake smiles, and the gnawing pain of it all was a lot to take in alone.

I had my spouse offering support with my daughter.

I tell these two stories because God laid on my heart how ignorant I was when my mom died and I judged my father. I understand now after being through the experience. I understand no one widow handles the death the same and there is no right way as well. I have empathy for widows.

I wouldn’t want any person to go through the experiences of a death of a child or spouse.

Here is what I do know. I understand grace a little more today than yesterday. I have no ill will of the people that have judged me harshly.  I would want them to be ignorant.

I am then reminded of how ignorant I am of God. I am humbled. I keep trying to take back my life as it is my own.  My life is God’s, not mine.  God knows my heart and only he can judge. I need grace in my ignorance. I need to offer grace in other people’s ignorance. I can pray for conviction of my heart, apologize where needed, and move out of shame into grace. God has shown me mercy by showing me grace in action. I hope this helps someone else.